Erika-Zayenna

[ENG] Hello... I posted this on Facebook about a week ago so you know... A bit of brutal read so you're warned... No one really reacted there still... Boy I have like 2 YEARS of notifications to check both here and on Facebook... [FRA] Salut... J'ai publié ça sur Facebook il y a plus ou moins une semaine donc maintenant vous savez... Un peu brutale à lire a savoir donc avertis (que en anglais car c'est déjà long et la flemme)... Personne n'y a vraiment réagi encore là bas... Ouf j'ai genre 2 ANS de notifications a récupérer ici et sur Facebook... [ITA] Ciao... Ho pubblicato questo su Facebook più o meno una settimana fa quindi adesso sapete... Un po' brutale da leggere quindi siete avvertiti (solo in inglese perché già é lungo e la voglia)... Nessuno ci ha veramente reagito ancora li... Ouf ho tipo 2 ANNI di notifiche da recuperare qua e su Facebook... "Hello... it's been a while... Haven't really drawn anything since those last EverydaySketches in May execpt a small attempt at the end of December... Why? Because it feels pointless to draw when I'm surrounded by a multitude of people who don't care! Having about 200 supporters but I'm lucky if 4 show up??? Someone must have lied to me about how they liked my art... A lot even judging by the numbers... I was exhausted by seeing my posts getting ignored SO MANY TIMES over these last years... Enough is ENOUGH. I don't care if this vent post is going to sound brutal, this can no longer be kept in, I think it's fair considering what I've been put through for YEARS and for those who still didn't realize what they were doing to me, an explanation is in order! First things first... Why did so many bother to tell me that they liked what I do... only to never show up? To never give those words meaning through action??? Did they do it just for the sake of "good manners"??? Don't bother to say "white" lies, what else do you expect as a consequence if but giving false hopes? And that hurts so much more to be left there hopeful only to get utterly disappointed... REPEATEDLY. How many times have I warned that things weren't going well and had to change only to be told something along the lines of "oh no death bad, wait some more, you'll see life will get better"... AS IF THEY HAD NO PART IN THE CHANGE!!! How do you think projects like movies, buildings and whatever you can think of artistically (and not) are made? You think they magically appear out of thin air with no support whatsoever??? Without any supporters, be them financially or not??? Do you think I (or anyone else for that matter) live off air alone? Do you think my existence has any meaning if my art is constantly ignored??? And even if some could answer that I should do this for myself first of all, NEVER have I seen or heard of artists that don't want to share their works with someone else, have you??? At this point I have to wonder if my stories are EVER going to see the light of day amidst all this indifference... I was way more productive and motivated years ago, when more people also reacted to what I made... Then they vanished and I got more and more demoralized by the (lack of) feedback... Even plants die if you don't water them appropriately after all... And to make it worse... Remember that I have a flat now? Guess who still didn't get to find a part-time job? It has proven to be so much harder than I thought... Already just to get a reply from those I contacted! And already LIFE FEELS LIKE A JOB with the day to day chores and cooking that I ABHOR... they EXHAUST me, I can HARDLY fit in hobbies with how much time they steal from me and that's without counting that they even feel like "a waste of time" that I can hardly appreciate at this point with all this pressure on me and I'm EXPECTED to add into my days A JOB??? EXPECTED because I NEVER asked for this so called "LIFE" and in fact for years now I've made clear to some that I would love a euthanasia instead but NO, everyone ready to oppose the sole IDEA of it when it's MY life, MY death, MY choice and they have NO RIGHT to butt into it! I'm still alive purely because I HAVE STANDARDS for the way it should happen and I WON'T ACCEPT ANYONE having the AUDACITY to tell me, in my LUCID state, that I should go see a doctor or a hospital, all the while they DON'T GIVE A DAMN the rest of the time! It's so easy to act like you care about someone only when they're suicidal and then "who cares they stopped whining I can go back to my stuff"! Because I'm not here by CHOICE and life with NO meaning, NO satisfaction and under the CONSTANT STRESS of having to adapt for a society that doesn't care about giving the best, REASONABLE, lifestyles for it's citizens, while it looks like there's no one I can trust on in those times I can not count on myself alone, is NOT a "LIFE". IT'S A CAGE. IT'S TORTURE. TORTURE to just give me FALSE hopes, the "band-aid" comment and then off to being all alone AGAIN with these issues that have been dumped onto me to deal with, REGARDLESS of what I think or feel about it! Maybe you'd argue that it's like this for everyone but that is NOT an EXCUSE for this argument to be swept under the rug, for this lifestyle to be considered the "norm". Why should it sound "entitled" to ask for BASIC HONESTY, EMPATHY and RESPECT instead of lies and expected to "chin up" and pretend like nothing's wrong??? That said... DO NOT BOTHER to answer me if your words aren't TRUE, if they'll always lack substance. I do not need hypocrites as my supporters to just poison me more and suffer in silence. Facebook might notoriously have a poor algorythm for it's pages but that's NOT enough to explain the lack of support that I've been experiencing here for years. Those who really cared would have shown up, even once in a while, to see what I've been doing... Not this radio silence instead. To never even be valued to be worth the price of a coffee per month! There are no words to fully express the utter disgust I have for the hypocrisy of some of you (because yes let me remind you we ARE NOT talking about EVERYONE) Your eagerness to say you support people's endeavors and love them but turning your back immediately afterwards until PERHAPS the next time that there's a crisis just to not look bad... SHAME ON YOU. I hope I never get to see you act that way with anyone else EVER AGAIN! Because YOU RUINED ME. YOU'RE THE REASON my self-esteem has been dragged into the mud, YOU'RE THE REASON I can't do anything that usually pleases me without feeling guilty or "wasting time", YOU'RE THE REASON I question why bother even have the pencil in hand, YOU'RE THE REASON I keep waking up in the morning questioning why am I still here, YOU'RE THE REASON I cry sometimes at night worrying about my future! And I am sick just at the idea of how many more people you might have been harming like this... If you think that these words are hurtful, then think how much hurt you've put me through all these years to get to this point first! But I tried to ignore it over and over again, hoping it would change, that SOMEONE would LISTEN to the little alarms I let off here and then, but eventually enough is enough and the pot boils over... I'm not going to bother anymore trying to make this page work, I've already spent years on it in the hope something would change but people never cared... Between this and all that AI "art" trend that has greatly disappointed me and makes me question which website can I call a home, I'm retreating to my Patreon page and hope that those who actually cared come along to support me in these trying times but I can't promise drawings with how all this situation has drained me over the years and how taxing Life is on me these days... And if not then I guess there really was nothing here to save and none of my efforts were ever worth it... GOODBYE. There's no point I even translate this... How many of you even bothered to read my descriptions in the first place? This might as well be falling on deaf ears again... Oh no wait nevermind it's neither that nor blind when you choose to ignore reading this..."

[ENG] So... 2022 is now here... Don't really have any resolutions nor goals for the year since everytime I fail at them so no point hyping it up... I just have a ton of things I want to read/play/watch/draw/do that get piled up year after year because there's always something that ends up in the way (and tons of stuff on websites to catch up!!!)... Let's see if this year can possibly get any better with this bloody "pandemic" gone, life in the flat stabilized, a job I like as part-time (can I even manage that too on top of the rest???), art side and Patreon active and possibly successful... Don't have high hopes since Life and Society are always a BITCH -_-' (by the way I ended up buying some anti-stress pills to calm my outbursts but medication is NEVER a solution)

[FRA] Donc... 2022 est ici... J'ai pas vraiment de résolutions ni d'objectifs pour l'année car à chaque fois j'échoue donc ça sert a rien de se fixer dessus... J'ai juste des tonnes de choses que je veux lire/jouer/regarder/dessiner/faire qui finissent par s'empiler d'année en année car il y a toujours quelque chose qui emmerde (et beaucoup à rattraper sur mes sites!!!)... Voyons voir si cette année sait être meilleure avec cette foutue "pandémie" hors de la vue, vie dans l'appartement stabilisé, un boulot qui me plaît à mi-temps (est-ce que je pourrais même faire ça avec le reste???), côté artistique et Patreon actifs et possiblement des succès... Je n'ai pas de superbe espoir car la Vie et la Société sont toujours des PUTES -_-' (aussi j'ai fini par devoir acheter des pillules anti-stress pour calmer mes crises mais les médicaments ne sont JAMAIS une solution)

[ITA] Quindi... 2022 é qui... Non ho veramente delle risoluzioni ne' degli obiettivi per l'anno perché ogni volta fallisco quindi non serve a niente farci dell'hype... Ho solo tonnellate di cose che voglio leggere/giocare/guardare/disegnare/fare che finiscono per accumularsi di anno in anno perché c'é sempre qualcosa che infastidisce (e tanto da recuperare sui miei siti!!!)... Vedremo se quest'anno sa essere meglio con questa maledetta "pandemia" fuori dalle scatole, vita nell'appartamento stabilizzato, un lavoro che mi piace part-time (non so neanche se riesco a farlo con il resto???), lato artistico e Patreon attivi e possibilmente di successo... Non ho tanta speranza perché la Vita e la Società sono sempre delle PUTTANE -_-'

(ah si ho dovuto comprare delle pillole anti-stress per calmare le mie crisi ma le medicine non sono MAI una soluzione)

[ENG] Hello it has been a week now since I actually managed to move into our own flat with my brother! Still hard though since we are missing most furnitures and I spent a good bunch of my days re-washing stuff in our boxes my dad moved from Spain since some started going moldy (thanks flood!) and doing shopping to stock on food for the next weeks... Don't know when I can get back to my routine and projects yet with things in this state... I don't even have a desk! I wake up just wanting to go back to sleep again at the thought of all that has to be done ;_;

[FRA] Coucou ça va faire une semaine maintenant depuis que j'ai pu emménager avec mon frère dans notre propre appartement! Encore dure car on manque de la plupart des meubles et j'ai passé la plupart de mes journées à relaver des choses dans nos boîtes que papa nous a amené d'Espagne parce que certains commençait à moisir (merci l'inondation!) et faire des courses pour stocker de la nourriture pour les prochaines semaines... Je ne sais pas quand je pourrais revenir à ma routine et à mes projets avec les choses en cet état... Je n'ai même pas de bureau! Je me lève juste pour avoir envie de retourner dormir quand je pense à tout ce qu'il y a a faire ;_;

[ITA] Salve adesso sarà una settimana da quando ho potuto traslocare con mio fratello nel nostro proprio appartamento! Ancora difficile perché manchiamo della maggior parte dei mobili e ho passato la maggioranza delle mie giornate a rilavare cose nelle nostre scatole che papa ci ha portato dalla Spagna perché alcune iniziavano ad ammuffirsi (grazie l'inondazione!) e fare delle spese per stock di cibo per le prossime settimane... Non lo so quando potro' tornare alla mia routine e ai miei progetti con le cose in questo stato... Non ho neanche una scrivania! Mi alzo solo per voler tornare a dormire quando penso a tutto quello che c'é da fare ;_;

[ENG] Hello everyone it's been a long time since my last journal (and my last drawing...). Hopped on after months just to say how shitty my September has been. Remember that I'm temporarily in Spain while waiting to move to Lyon in France? Heard about the spanish floods? Well guess what Alcanar is only 10km away from here so we also had big floods! Our garage and the library area that was supposed to be safe got flooded with record levels of water and tons of boxes (including the ones my dad just brought in from the old house in Italy) got superbly wet. Our terrace also got flooded because of the filter and I was having panic attacks seeing some of my boxes so close to getting wet and the living room, my room and a corridor being covered in water! And this was just the morning after my birthday... I've been redoing my boxes and recovering stuff from damaged boxes since and hardly anything else... to the point of dreaming moldy boxes and books. And we kind of just finished only now that tomorrow I need to wake up early to go to Lyon and by the end of next week I must have found a flat so that the week afterwards we move up everything... because my parents have to get back to work soon... Oh and also I had to get vaccinated here but guess what? I don't fit their system to get the Green Pass so I don't have one yet even if I got the jabs!!! I hate my life. Let's see if all of this will be worth it or there's just no point in living this torture anymore...

[FRA] Coucou tout le monde ça fait longtemps depuis mon dernier journal (et mon dernier dessin...) Je viens un moment après des mois juste pour dire combien a été une merde mon Septembre. Vous vous souvenez que je suis temporairement en Espagne pendant que j'attends de déménager à Lyon en France? Vous avez entendu des inondations espagnoles? Et ben vous savez quoi Alcanar n'est que à 10km d'ici donc on a aussi eu des grosses inondations! Nôtre garage et la zone bibliothèque qui était censé être lieu sûre a été inondé avec des niveaux exceptionnels d'eau et beaucoup de boîtes (dont les toutes dernières que papa venait d'emmener de la vielle maison en Italie) ont été terriblement mouillés. Nôtre terrace a aussi été inondé a cause du filtre et j'ai eue des attaques de panique en voyant quelque unes de mes boîtes si proches de se faire mouiller et le salon, ma chambre et le couloir se faire couvrir d'eau! Et tout ça c'était juste le matin après mon anniversaire... Depuis alors j'ai refait des cartons et essayé de sauver des choses des boîtes endommagés et presque rien d'autre... au point que je rêvais des cartons et livres moisis. Et on a plus ou moins fini que maintenant que demain je dois me lever tôt pour aller à Lyon et pour la fin de la prochaine semaine je dois avoir trouvé un appartement comme ça la semaine après on déménage tout... parce que mes parents doivent retourner travailler bientôt... Ah et aussi j'ai dû me faire vacciner ici mais vou savez quoi? Je ne rentre pas dans leur système pour avoir le Pass Sanitaire donc je n'en ai pas encore un même si j'ai eue mes piqûres!!! Je hais ma vie. Voyons voir si tout ça ça vaut l'effort sinon ça ne vaut pas la peine de continuer à vivre cette torture...

[ITA] Salve a tutti é passato un bel po' dal mio ultimo journal (e dal mio ultimo disegno...) Passo dopo mesi solo per dire quanto una merda é stato il mio Settembre. Ricordate che sono temporaneamente in Spagna mentre aspetto di traslocare a Lyon in Francia? Sentito delle inondazioni spagnole? Be' guarda caso Alcanar é solo a 10km da qui quindi anche noi abbiamo avuto grosse inondazioni! Il nostro garage e la zona biblioteca che era tecnicamente luogo sicuro sono stati inondati da livelli eccezionali d'acqua e tante scatole (incluso le scatole giusto portate da papa dalla vecchia casa in Italia) sono state superbamente bagnate. La nostra terrazza ha anch'esso inondato per colpa del filtro quindi stavo avendo attachi di panico vedendo delle mie scatole cosi vicine a farsi bagnare e il salotto, la mia stanza e il corridoio farsi coprire d'acqua! E tutto questo era solo la mattina dopo il mio compleanno... Da allora ho rifatto dei miei cartoni e cercato di recuperare cose da scatole danneggiate e non ho quasi fatto altro... a tal punto che sogno scatole e libri amuffiti. E abbiamo più o meno finito solo ora che domani devo alzarmi presto per andare a Lyon e per fine settimana prossima devo aver trovato un appartamento cosi la settimana dopo traslochiamo tutto... perché i miei genitori devono tornare a lavorare presto... Ah e ho dovuto farmi vaccinare qui ma sapete cosa? Non rientro nel loro sistema per avere il Green Pass quindi ancora non ne ho uno nonostante ho avuto entrambe le punture!!! Detesto la mia vita. Vediamo se tutto questo varrà la pena senno' non ha senso continuare a vivere questa tortura...

Just to inform I've written this on facebook since it affects mostly there buy yeah here's my current mood... "[ENG ONLY] In two months I haven't done a serious drawing (besides that one for a wedding) and I've been struggling to make EverydaySketches (oh look I haven't made one for this week so I guess I failed a full year of it). These last weeks I have no want of doing anything whatosever, be it even drawing. Sometimes I go to sleep hoping I won't wake up the next day. I feel like people wouldn't give a damn anyway seeing how already low are the interactions on my drawings compared to my "fanbase"... it doesn't feel satisfying anymore. A good amount of my "supporters" also seem to appear only when I'm making rants like these. I can try as much as I want to do it for myself but if there's no real support what's the point since I want to make a career out of it? What else am I besides my art? If my life isn't satisfying I'm better off dead. And before anyone says the usual stuff that they support me and that "time heals wounds" yet again, I'm TIRED of hearing empty words with hardly any substance to back them up. I'm TIRED of being given false hopes and doubting all the time about whether someone is actually supporting me or not. I'm TIRED of worrying about my future."